“How’s your day going?”
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I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
This could be us but you eatin’
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.