A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
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kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
tell em, edith-anne
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot