During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
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[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
*frowns in Scottish*
I am crying
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.