Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
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today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
m’lady
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain