Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
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Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶