ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?