LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I need this for my side hustle.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.