HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
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The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap