[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
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[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.