Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
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7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Who says great literature is dead?
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)