friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
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asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”