Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
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It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out