The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
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[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin