LOOOOOOL
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To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats