The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
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Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you