friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
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Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.