My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
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My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.