sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
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a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?