H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
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My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.