Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
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me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Maths meets science
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.