[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
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(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL