Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
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If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
That’s easy for you to say
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Everyone’s family