People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
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My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza