3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
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You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.