[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
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I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*