My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
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One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
my mom making me talk to relatives
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.