WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
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If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house