haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
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Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.