The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
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8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Buying a well is money well spent.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on