I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
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ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
dogs can find happiness so easily
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
“I FIXED IT!”
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Lucky old June.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater