Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
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Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
These are too funny not to post 😂
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
what’s really going on
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.