waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
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Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls