I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
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“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.