My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
You Might Also Like
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now