Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
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If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.