parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
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I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.