If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
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*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count