fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
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I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.