Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
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[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Those are good neighbors.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try