“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
You Might Also Like
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.