I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
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Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”