(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
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FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Swedish for common sense.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.