My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
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*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
plant them where lol
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last