[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
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You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean