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*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Perfection.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke