Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
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Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for: