After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
You Might Also Like
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*