WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
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Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized