Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
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Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood