Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
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My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫